I am not particularly an obsessive calorie counter. I have my ups and downs, I keep a vague idea of what’s going in and what’s going out, calorie-wise, and within reason I don’t massively allow it to stop me from enjoying eating good (or plentiful) food when I want to. That 50 word disclaimer out of the way, there is still something fundamentally disappointing about expending calories on something that’s so not worth it. Enter The Botanist. Twice self-described on its homepage as a “premium pub” - read, £17.75 for the burger to be accounted for shortly - I found myself here for drinks with friends, needing a bite to eat. Enter the dirty burger - a 1500 calorie let down, slathered in some horrific cheese sauce, underwhelming bacon, an overly toasted bun, and for some reason a serving of gravy on the side. The only salvageable quality was the beef itself, which was well flavoured. Even then it was so overloaded that even I had to stoop to using a knife and fork. Distressing. The brownie wasn’t a disaster, but it didn’t overly redeem the night. I don’t feel guilty for it - no shame spiral, no starving myself the next day - but the chef probably should.